Being different

About my earlier entry….i talked to another fren (who is not involved) about it and she said “wouldnt doing that make things worse? Wont they be surprise coz you’re suddenly not urself anymore?”

She has a point there. However, I cant please everyone can I? I am what I am. If I’m irritating, well, that’s how I am. No matter how hard you try..there is no way that you can change me to be totally what you want me to be. So since I know that my “friends” find me irritating and talkative,then I’ll try to avoid them coz if i pretend to be quiet and all that in front of them…then that makes me nothing more than a hypocrite. So my best mode of action is trying to minimize contact with them so that they wont find me so irritating anymore.

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Lately, I’ve been feeling very tired…..and not enthusiastic. Probably its coz of all the problems I’m having. If i had no classes, I could sleep the whole day away. Which is what I’ve been doing for 2 days….and I’ve missed 3 classes. I’ve never been like that before. My appetite is drastically lowered from 3 meals a day to only one. I’ve been getting an on and off flu. Not to mention I’ve been feeling a lil feverish. Im worried about what’s wrong with me…..physically and mentally…..

:S

Its out in the open

Hmm…so now i know why they’ve been ignoring me. Well…they think im irritating, noisy, big-mouthed and so on and so forth. Honestly, i would prefer they tell me much earlier…before deciding to hurt me first. But anyway, it good that it’s finally out in the open. At least i know what to do now…..i guess I’ll juz keep quiet all the time….since they think im such an irritating know-it-all, then fine….i wont be then.

Im SO disapointed at myself. I used to be someone who wouldnt care what people think. If they think im weird, irritating, stupid or whatever, i really wouldnt care. But now…..things change…..telling it straight to my face has cause me to think. Yes, i did suspect that they find me irritating sometimes…but not till that extent. Well, i guess I’ll juz give them the person they want. Actually…it’s more like I’m goinna try to avoid them as much as I can…juz to keep the peace. Friends are such an important priority for me…..

The me i used to know is slipping away…..its so pathetic……I have to start wearing a mask again….but then i’m not the only one…..everyone wears masks. Why shouldnt I?

No one knows the real me anymore…….I’m not even sure if I do


It rained today…what a relief. I love the rain….i love watching it and listening to it. For me…it seems like it washes my pain away….like symbolism of the tears that can never fall down my face. The rain makes me feel so melancholic…….i wish it rained more…especially at night…..especially when I’m feeling alone….

I stood outside my hostel corridor juz watching the rain fall down….beautiful experience, standing there for bout 10 mins. Doing absolutely nothing……Can’t wait to do that again soon….. [Bad thing was that this rain was on and off...so couldnt really enjoy it to the fullest]

[Writings] Untitled

~ Wrote this yesterday when I was in a sad mood….hmm  ~

I see in my mind’s eye

An empty field, void of anything,

I see myself in the middle of this field

Looking right and left

Seeing green ground meeting blue horizon

Everywhere I look.

 

Why? Why am I alone?

My heart cries out in pain

Why? Why this frustration?

I close my eyes and scream

Why? Why am I feeling this?

I get to my feet and run.

 

Running….endless running

Away from what, I don’t know

Towards where, I have no idea

Does it matter when my life

Seems like a meaningless cycle?

 

There has to be a way out of this

My heart whispers hopefully

I have yet to find the door

The door that will bring me happiness

 

Happiness seems like a dream

So far away, out of my reach

I feel tears welling up in my eyes

I bring my hand up to wipe it away

But it has dried up…

 

Dry tears that never fall from my eyes

Funny how tears seems to be my best friend

Tears that no one but I see

Tears no one even realizes could be there

 

Tears that no one can stop…

No one can help….

Bad results :(

Finally got my results…….erm….quite bad. Kinda expected it…but I was hoping dat it wouldnt be as bad. Oh well, what can i do? No use crying over spilt milk……or failed papers……or wasted tuition fees for dat matter.

Well, all I can do now is juz try to enjoy my 3 months break coz I dont have classes till 8 March. Probably going back sooner to settle things up. Wats more with the possibility of moving to KL in Jan, I probably have to start packing up…yet again….

Wat i feel about the move to KL is….well, personally it doesnt affect me. I’m still going to study in Curtin for another semester, which means I’m basically still in the same place, which is great! Coz i hate moving……well….doesnt everyone…

Hmm….kinda dissapointed about my results……