Finger painting the flag

Despite the fact that i was so pissed off the other day(pls read my previous post) , it was actually rather fun to see the Karnival Patriotik on campus. Flags everywhere, dancers in traditional costumes, kompangs, other musical instruments, and what not. There was even a mural which students can fingerpaint and everyone was getting into the mood of helping.

What really struck me was after the VIPs came and we all clapped hands (that was what we were there for - to clap hands and make the cafeteria area look full) the Negaraku played. And, when it was playing, everyone - lecturers, VIPs, Indonesians, Nigerians, Botswanians and particularly Malaysians - stopped whatever they were doin and stood up straight. The malaysians (me included) were singing along to the words. Some just mumbling the words but others singing it out loud and proud.

It struck me that such a song - the embodiment of a nation free after much struggle - in such a place - a ‘creative’ university where everyone wears ‘kain tak cukup’ and have utterly no regard for anything other than themselves - could still conjour up the pride we have in our nation. Because however bad Malaysia is and we know how much things can suck it is still our home.

Malaysia, Tanah airku.

You know that feeling you get, when you wake up in the morning and realize, “shit! what have I done!?!?!” Yea that sickening feeling in your stomach that tells you that nothing will be the same again. Kinda like waking up in the morning with a terrible hangover that the room spins everytime you open your eyes and you see the most ugliest man in the world sleeping naked in your bed next to you. (NO! it’s never happened to me. Thank god!)

It’ll ether end up being so-so (as in all the parties involved go on as if nothing out of the ordinary happened) or extremely well (as in it has a positive effect) or terrible (changing your world upside down in the most negative kind of way).

Technically it was not the morning after. Heck it wasn’t even 2 days after. It was more like 2 weeks after when the subject popped up again.

And yet, I still felt terasa when you said that. Its like I cornered you into doing something you didn’t want to. Of course you didn’t actually pin point it at me. But still I terasa coz you described in general terms that it was not what you would have wanted. And I was disappointed that you should look at it that way. I tot we were on the same page.

Did you even know I terasa? Did you even notice the awkward silence hanging in the air, which you tried to cover by making the radio louder? Did you notice my nervous fiddling with my fingers and biting my nails? Did you notice the strained conversation as I was leaving? I doubt but im hoping you did. Then at least you’d have an inkling that I terasa about what you said.

I feel such regret over what I did - as if its all my mistake.. Thats the thing that annoys me the most - the regret - because I seldom regret my actions but in this case you made me second guess myself.

And i hate second guessing myself

I had this close friend. We would lepak with frens watching EPL till wee hours of the morning and he was the one who would always send me home. On the way back, we’d sometimes stop for another glass of nescafe tarik for him and teh tarik for me and thats when we’d have deep conversations. I’d ask his opinion on various things in my life, and we’d share my thoughts. I felt like he was the older brother I never had, someone I could look up to and I know that i could call at 3am if I ran into trouble (if he wasnt fast asleep that is).

He just suddenly vanished last year without a trace, without a word. I knew he’d done that before, but not to me and a few other friends. I lost a friend which i held very dear. Someone who I would say contributed significantly and positively in my ‘growing up’ process (which I’m still goin thru now of course). I accepted the fact he wanted to perhaps leave his old life and start over, so I closed that chapter of my friendship with him.

Today, pam ran into him. I bet she had a million questions on her lips (as I) but his only reason was that he wanted to change his life. He doesn’t stay up late and has got a rather good job now. For some reason I feel a bit hurt by that. Perhaps we (being younger, having all the time in the world, naive, immature and full of problems) pulled him down to a certain extent. Whatever it is, I respect his decision.

Poks, if u’re reading this (which i doubt coz I didnt tell much ppl about my blog address changing), may you succeed in all your future endevours

Its times like these that i love. That magical time between 3 and 6 am, where the world has not fully woken up. And here I am, tapping away at my keyboard, all bundled up in blankets, hearing light snoring, the sounds of birds chirping, and the occasional sound of a vehical passing by. Perhaps this is why its call the bewitching, twilight hour(s).

Im very much a night person. The dark, to me, is not something scary with the boogeyman, ghosts or creepy crawlies. Its a time where I feel most active, and in the silence, i feel most alive. Knowing that no one is around to disturb me, I feel free. Like i can sing at the top of my lungs and no one would be judging (the fact that my bedroom downstairs and everyone else’s is upstairs helps )

These are the times that i feel most inspired to write, the times that used to curn out really good blog post (re : early 2005 posts) and poems (re : http://www.zestful.org/my-writings). These are the times i feel the most semangat to write a 2000-word-essay. These are the times that so many ideas fill my head that i dont get to sketch out the designs fast enough.

These are the times I love….

Mumble mumble : Someone on MyBlogLog asked me that day “why is your domain midnightdances?” I guess this post explains it.

Saying goodbye is always so very hard isnt it? Saying goodbye to loved ones when they depart this world *knock wood* or the parting of close friends. Nothing quite matches teh feeling of loneliness, sorrow and how much you miss that person.

TOday, or rather, these past few days, I have learned to say goodbye to some things that I hold - i mean, HELD - dear. One was my previous outlook on life. Another was letting go of a friend.

A friend of mine whom i thought i was close to, whom i considered my abang angkat, who taught me more than any guy I’ve known. You know, that best friend that you can never fall in love with but you know each other so well. I just found out that he doesnt care for me as much as I care for him. He practically makes as if he doesnt know me, just because now we are further apart than before - in terms of communication and distance. I feel used somehow. I feel cheated by all the emotion and affection that I pour into this friendship. But all I can do now is just forget and move on. Because there are better things ahead of me, im sure. And useless friends like that are better off on their own.

I used to think that life was so easy, like i will breeze through it without a care in the world. Until last week that is. I think i was going through a depression stage last week while everyone else was happily enjoying their CNY. All i did, was sleep my days away coz i dont have the mood to meet people or go visiting. Havent had a restful sleep either. Keep waking up every 2 hours. I seldom eat, usually maximum once a day. Mom says i look pale. No no, its not that time of the month again. A little scribbling i found in the notebook i often bring around. Sums up what i feel now (yeah this is a repost)

Today I kind of feel overwhelmed by this inexpressible sense of loneliness. Its like, there’s this feeling that I was so utterly alone. After parting with my friends, I relize there is no one to be with me at the end of my day, to hold me while I sleep, to brush the hair out of my face. Sad, surely it is. I seldom feel this way, often preferring to surround myself with friends, family and loads of good fun.

Love? I don’t believe in such an feeling or emotion - at least not yet. And sex (I found out) is but a very poor substitute. Yes its fun, and good (most of the time). But it lasts only for a fraction, a few hours, a whole night. In the end, everyone leaves, everyone goes back, everyone gets busy and more often than not, everyone has someone else.

I am HAPPY with my life, without a doubt, I am better than most. I have great friends, people I can talk to, people to have fun with. The ability to see the best in things have carried me through life with less than the usual share of scratches and hurts. But every once in a very long while, I feel something’s missing.
Sometimes, I cant help but feel that my many *adventures*, dates and all the other crazy stuff I am sometimes prone to do are but a desperate search for that something. Something to fill that gap.

The voice at the back of my head tells me that I should seek God again, perhaps He would be the one to show the way, but that would have to be to leave the life that I now have, which I enjoy - doubt and guilt-free. We can’t all be angels can we? Religion and politics - the 2 tings that I do not talk about.

Maybe I am restless, what with the extreamly long holiday and desperate lack of sleep. Sometimes I wish I can just go for a quiet long drive through town in the middle of the night - without a care in the world. It soothes and relaxes me as it has always does since I was a little girl wanting to go for long car rides.

I think that its somewhat normal to feel this way once in a while. For it shows that I am human, I have a heart, that my life is not all fun and games, that I think for myself and ponder the meaning of my existance.

For I am but still a young girl….

~ 8.15 pm, 4th Feb 2006
~ Putra lrt KLCC - KJ

The other day Naja emailed me asking for help to translate a poem or make a new one. I wasnt really in the creative state of mind to make a poem so I decided to help her translate from BM to English.

When i got the poem…got a bit doubtful about my translating skills as the language used in the poem was quite deep and my BM is like nyawa nyawa ikan only. BUt managed to complete it thanks to help from Pakcik Madnoh, Pakcik Mr Moody and Pakcik Encik Kong over YM conversations.

Enjoy..

Halaman Cinta Tanpa Wajah
The Faceless Love

Sayang,….
Dikala gerimis ini tatkala heningnya malam,
Segaris senyuman tiada pernah terukir
Suara semalam yang berbisik nan lembut
bersama hembusan nafas cinta
mengalun namaku bak bayu irama gemersik
indah nian meruntun rasa mengusik sukma

My love…
while it drizzled in the night so tranquil
I see smiles I have never seen before
Hear voices softly whispering in the night
With the light breaths of love
Calling my name like the ocean winds
It’s beauty arousing the desire in my soul

Ah… dimana ku harus humban rasa rindu ini
sedang ombak resah mengundang mimpi tak sudah
andainya dirimu bisa mengerti
cintaku adalah mega dilangit
tiada pernah henti tangisan merintih
mengharapkan dedaun kekeringan segar kembali
walaupun ianya tiada pasti
meskipun masa berlalu pergi
utuskanlah padaku segunung kekuatan
inginku musnahkan garisan sempadan ini
inignku kejar waktu yang mencuri kasihku
inignku bakar kemesraan yang dingin membeku
kerna tiada lagi dapat dibohongi
kerna kenagan melingkari fikiran
kerna rindu jua yang beraja dihati

Ah…how do i erase the feeling of missing you
when the waves of anxiety brings me restless sleep
If only you would understand
that my love is higher than the highest heavens
never has the mourning tears subside
Forever hoping that the fallen leaves will be green again
Even though one will never know
Even though years have come and gone
Send to me the strength of mountains
I want to brigde this gap between us
I want to chase the time that has stolen my love
I want to melt the coldness with my warmth
because there can be no more lies
because of the memories playing in my mind
because the longing is enthroned in my lonely heart

Sayang…
tika bintang melabuhkan tirainya
hatiku ingin kepingin menyentuh ungkaian katamu
yang pernah singgah menghiasi malam2 ku
leraikanlah keajaiban itu dari genggamanmu
kerna keegoan hanya meranapkan segalanya
namun jika tertulis tidah sehaluan lagi
namamu kekal agung dihalaman sanubari
terpahat megah di sudut hati
terukir indah dihalaman cinta tanpa wajah..

My love…
When the twinkling stars appears in the night sky
My heart longs to hear your wonderful words
That once graced my nights
Release the magic from ur grasp
Because ego will only cause destruction
However, if our fates do not coincide
Your name would still be forever
Chiseled into my heart
Carved beautifully in the pages of a faceless love

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I kno the words arent exact, but the context is kept. I have no idea on how else to translate. Pening kepala odi X-P

P/s: Naja, ur poem so jiwangg…..