Saying goodbye is always so very hard isnt it? Saying goodbye to loved ones when they depart this world *knock wood* or the parting of close friends. Nothing quite matches teh feeling of loneliness, sorrow and how much you miss that person.

TOday, or rather, these past few days, I have learned to say goodbye to some things that I hold - i mean, HELD - dear. One was my previous outlook on life. Another was letting go of a friend.

A friend of mine whom i thought i was close to, whom i considered my abang angkat, who taught me more than any guy I’ve known. You know, that best friend that you can never fall in love with but you know each other so well. I just found out that he doesnt care for me as much as I care for him. He practically makes as if he doesnt know me, just because now we are further apart than before - in terms of communication and distance. I feel used somehow. I feel cheated by all the emotion and affection that I pour into this friendship. But all I can do now is just forget and move on. Because there are better things ahead of me, im sure. And useless friends like that are better off on their own.

I used to think that life was so easy, like i will breeze through it without a care in the world. Until last week that is. I think i was going through a depression stage last week while everyone else was happily enjoying their CNY. All i did, was sleep my days away coz i dont have the mood to meet people or go visiting. Havent had a restful sleep either. Keep waking up every 2 hours. I seldom eat, usually maximum once a day. Mom says i look pale. No no, its not that time of the month again. A little scribbling i found in the notebook i often bring around. Sums up what i feel now (yeah this is a repost)

Today I kind of feel overwhelmed by this inexpressible sense of loneliness. Its like, there’s this feeling that I was so utterly alone. After parting with my friends, I relize there is no one to be with me at the end of my day, to hold me while I sleep, to brush the hair out of my face. Sad, surely it is. I seldom feel this way, often preferring to surround myself with friends, family and loads of good fun.

Love? I don’t believe in such an feeling or emotion - at least not yet. And sex (I found out) is but a very poor substitute. Yes its fun, and good (most of the time). But it lasts only for a fraction, a few hours, a whole night. In the end, everyone leaves, everyone goes back, everyone gets busy and more often than not, everyone has someone else.

I am HAPPY with my life, without a doubt, I am better than most. I have great friends, people I can talk to, people to have fun with. The ability to see the best in things have carried me through life with less than the usual share of scratches and hurts. But every once in a very long while, I feel something’s missing.
Sometimes, I cant help but feel that my many *adventures*, dates and all the other crazy stuff I am sometimes prone to do are but a desperate search for that something. Something to fill that gap.

The voice at the back of my head tells me that I should seek God again, perhaps He would be the one to show the way, but that would have to be to leave the life that I now have, which I enjoy - doubt and guilt-free. We can’t all be angels can we? Religion and politics - the 2 tings that I do not talk about.

Maybe I am restless, what with the extreamly long holiday and desperate lack of sleep. Sometimes I wish I can just go for a quiet long drive through town in the middle of the night - without a care in the world. It soothes and relaxes me as it has always does since I was a little girl wanting to go for long car rides.

I think that its somewhat normal to feel this way once in a while. For it shows that I am human, I have a heart, that my life is not all fun and games, that I think for myself and ponder the meaning of my existance.

For I am but still a young girl….

~ 8.15 pm, 4th Feb 2006
~ Putra lrt KLCC - KJ

The other day Naja emailed me asking for help to translate a poem or make a new one. I wasnt really in the creative state of mind to make a poem so I decided to help her translate from BM to English.

When i got the poem…got a bit doubtful about my translating skills as the language used in the poem was quite deep and my BM is like nyawa nyawa ikan only. BUt managed to complete it thanks to help from Pakcik Madnoh, Pakcik Mr Moody and Pakcik Encik Kong over YM conversations.

Enjoy..

Halaman Cinta Tanpa Wajah
The Faceless Love

Sayang,….
Dikala gerimis ini tatkala heningnya malam,
Segaris senyuman tiada pernah terukir
Suara semalam yang berbisik nan lembut
bersama hembusan nafas cinta
mengalun namaku bak bayu irama gemersik
indah nian meruntun rasa mengusik sukma

My love…
while it drizzled in the night so tranquil
I see smiles I have never seen before
Hear voices softly whispering in the night
With the light breaths of love
Calling my name like the ocean winds
It’s beauty arousing the desire in my soul

Ah… dimana ku harus humban rasa rindu ini
sedang ombak resah mengundang mimpi tak sudah
andainya dirimu bisa mengerti
cintaku adalah mega dilangit
tiada pernah henti tangisan merintih
mengharapkan dedaun kekeringan segar kembali
walaupun ianya tiada pasti
meskipun masa berlalu pergi
utuskanlah padaku segunung kekuatan
inginku musnahkan garisan sempadan ini
inignku kejar waktu yang mencuri kasihku
inignku bakar kemesraan yang dingin membeku
kerna tiada lagi dapat dibohongi
kerna kenagan melingkari fikiran
kerna rindu jua yang beraja dihati

Ah…how do i erase the feeling of missing you
when the waves of anxiety brings me restless sleep
If only you would understand
that my love is higher than the highest heavens
never has the mourning tears subside
Forever hoping that the fallen leaves will be green again
Even though one will never know
Even though years have come and gone
Send to me the strength of mountains
I want to brigde this gap between us
I want to chase the time that has stolen my love
I want to melt the coldness with my warmth
because there can be no more lies
because of the memories playing in my mind
because the longing is enthroned in my lonely heart

Sayang…
tika bintang melabuhkan tirainya
hatiku ingin kepingin menyentuh ungkaian katamu
yang pernah singgah menghiasi malam2 ku
leraikanlah keajaiban itu dari genggamanmu
kerna keegoan hanya meranapkan segalanya
namun jika tertulis tidah sehaluan lagi
namamu kekal agung dihalaman sanubari
terpahat megah di sudut hati
terukir indah dihalaman cinta tanpa wajah..

My love…
When the twinkling stars appears in the night sky
My heart longs to hear your wonderful words
That once graced my nights
Release the magic from ur grasp
Because ego will only cause destruction
However, if our fates do not coincide
Your name would still be forever
Chiseled into my heart
Carved beautifully in the pages of a faceless love

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I kno the words arent exact, but the context is kept. I have no idea on how else to translate. Pening kepala odi X-P

P/s: Naja, ur poem so jiwangg…..

I was hanging out with a couple of frens at a fren’s hse on new year’s eve and we had a great time talking and laughing about nasi lemak bungkus, the God complex and gambir Sarawak so many other things.

Anyway, one question that popped up was “what have you achieved in 2005 (besides work/studies)?” After i went back, i was thinking about how so many things has happened to me in the past year that made a significant change in my life.

So what have i actually achieved?

1. A greater sense of maturity - mixing with older more matured people made me more aware of the complexity of life and learn from other ppl’s experiences
2. More understanding of the opposite sex - This year I have been dabbling a lot in relationships (mostly with negative results) and my verdict : Its too complicated for me to take interest in it.
3. Freedom - In late 2005, my parents finally gave up on me trust me enough for me to make my own decisions. They have given me alot of freedom, of which I am very grateful.
4. A larger group of friends - I’ve learnt to change my mindset about people, prejudices and stereotypes by getting to know more types people that I usually would.
5. The drive to do my best - Listening to people’s stories make me want to strive to do the best even if it seems impossible at this moment. I want to be successfull, not someone who will look down the road in 40 yrs time and say “Damn! why didnt I do better when I was younger?”
6. Better Attitude - I’ve learnt to adopt a don’t-care attitude, especially when it comes to ‘what people think’. I realized that you cant change people’s mindset esp if they are some old, overly sensitive, mcm baik sgt makciks so just do your own thing and time will decide who is right.

It probably doesnt look like a lot of achievements to most people but everything mentioned is a big deal in my point of view. To some it might seem silly, nonsense or (God forbid!) insulting.

Come to think of it, 2005 has been an interesting year, full of funny incidents and anecdotes, but dotted with a few low points. Here’s a short summary:

Clubbin 5 nites a row in KK | Hooked up with 1st bf | Getting to know CS group | Getting involved in Yahoo! Chat | Seriously into Blogs & RBJ | Regularly clubbing | Regularly drinking | Breezing thru studies | Had a stalker | Fofular in KL1,KL2, Msia1 | Meeting chatters | Dating chatters | Took a break from clubbing | Attended gatherings | Involved in blogwar | Started my degree | Made lots of meaningful friendships | Breaking up | Made a vow not to date chatters | Broke a few friendships | Stopped chatting | Moved house | Learnt mamak-ing till dawn | Learnt to survive without internet | Re-read every fiction i own | Bought tons of new books | Bogged down with assignments | Made Starbucks my 2nd home | Started Clubbing again | Met 2nd bf | Went out almost every nite with the guys | Drinking more | Stuck to a close circle of friends | Breaking up | Got good results | Holiday with Family

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Something I came across while digging old chat logs:

P: u are okay .. bubly …. straight open
P: hmmmm cool
P: patience .. somehow pening tenngok reactions orang lain .. apsal laa this world is somehow weird ..
P: apsal laa orang cannot be this and that
P: hahaha
P: knowledgeable …. experience … able to fit in the crowd …
P: hmmm
P: bab yang tak baik ..
P: time management .. selalu kantoi

Dear P,
U’ll be glad to know that one of my many resolutions is to improve on my time management

Beautiful woman are made to be admired. Dont you agree? Im sure many guys lusted over Angelina Jolie in Mr & Mrs Smith. As a normal human being, I appreciate beauty : be it a lifelike painting, a gorgeous sunset, a handsome guy, and even, a beautiful woman.

Lately I’ve been lepaking with my guy frens alot (as usual la..its been like that since a long time ago) and I have this feeling that they’ve started considering me as “one of the guys”. And like most other guys (and some girls) when they hang out together-gether, they like to ogle at the opposite sex- even when they are halfway telling an interesting story.

The thing is, i often join in these discussions and even throw in a few comments of my own. ahaha! Even talking about fantasies and stuff - from standards like a hot gal wearing a man’s long-sleeved button up shirt with nothing underneath to outrageous ones like…err…i’d rather not say because I still want to keep my blog PG-13. haha!

Anyway, the other day my fren asked me something funny :
Fren : can i ask u something?
me : yea?
fren : Are u lesbian?
me: huh? No la!! *laughs*
fren : But you look at girls…
me : Well, beautiful women are made to be admired
fren : oh yeah..and so much more…*gives this horny look*

*note to self : must stop ogling at girls

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It seems like he haunts me now that i’ve broken up with him. First, when i went to lowyat the other day, i happen to walk into the shop that we always browsed around in and we used to date in BB (because it was near his place and easily accessible). Then another time, someone happen to pass by me somewhere in ikano and he smelt exactly like my ex - Jean Paul Gaultier, the blue bottle of a man’s torso.

And the freakiest one was when I was at TTDI and this guy with the same body build and style of dressing came. He even used a black bandanna with some white tribal designs - exactly what my ex always used coz he didnt like his haircut - i mean, who uses that anymore? Its outdated. I had to like look closely to make sure it wasnt him. Phew!

freaky eh?

I have never really talked about my love life, just basically gave very vague references to a certain “him”. I never really liked to heboh-heboh about my boyfriend(s) or love life because I think that its something personal that I don’t have to tell the whole world.

Im basically a very simple girlfriend – I don’t expect calls or smses every day, I don’t expect dinners at fancy restaurants, I’m not clingy, I don’t mind u going out with other girl friends (in a group la, not one on one), I don’t ask about your outings, I let you have your “guys nite out”, I don’t mind u checking out other girls in my presence (I’ll even give my opinion on whether I agree or not! Lol!), I don’t mind u smoking or drinking, Im very active during ‘nocturnal activities’…haha! Just kidding I like a relationship that is open, honest and free. The few things that you must respect is individuality, friendships honesty and loyalty. There are 3 things that we cannot complain about each other : work/study, family and friends. See…simple right?

Anyone interested in applying now?

I used to think that I wanted someone to care for me, to miss me, to be concerned about my welfare and most of all, to love me sincerely. But now that I have all that, I feel like something is missing. If you’re wondering if I actually like this guy, the answer is yes, I do like him – a lot. And I do like the state of our relationship now – no hassle, no tediousness and no songeh-songeh.

So why am I considering breaking it off?

Because even tho im really satisfied with the state of the relationship now, i have a feeling that he is realizing that I dont love him as much as he loves me. This was apparent in an sms he gave me last nite saying “baby, i miss you so very much. Maybe one day you’ll understand what that means.” However, i am still considering whether its worth making an effort for our relationship..and I also need to talk it over with him, because we have always been very honest with each other about our doubts and negative feelings.

But the bottomline is, I miss my single life……

My biological clock is all messed up. I can only sleep around 7 am in the morning no matter how early i try to go to bed. My mind races like mad as I try in vain to empty it. Everytime I close my eyes, its like a switch for lotsa things to enter my mind. arggh!!

Lately, weird things have been happening in the past 2 months or so. Old friends and acquaintences have started contacting me. People whom i’ve gotten close to in the past year but somehow drited apart are suddenly calling me or sending me sms-es. Its not that I dont welcome it, but…..well, its like this, i dont mind if we have drifted apart because sometimes time, distance or situations force people apart (yeah take it from someone who has lost lots of frens from East Msia *sad*) but to have more than 3 people from my past contacting me again? and all within the same time frame?

First it started off with a friend (guy A) whom i regularly spoke to on the phone. He actually had a big crush on me at one point (i think he still harbours some feelings) and I enjoyed our conversations together. Then after i told him i got attached…i think it was sometime in Sept….he suddenly stopped contacting me. I understand why tho…heartbroken maa However, juz last week he rang me up, and was thinking of going out to catch up on things.

Then Grace - my childhood best friend, who’s really more of a sister, of mine whom i have not met for 2-3 years suddenly came to KL and just 3 days (sadly). So we managed to meet up for like 30 mins before she had to leave. {I miss her so much} And she met another childhood friend of ours, whom we havent met for about 10 years now.

Thirdly, a *cute but already engaged* friend from Brunei (guy B) smsed me out of the blue a few days ago (yeah..international sms) saying that he was coming to KL from Wed-Fri, hoping that we could go for drinks (tho i could probably win a drinking competition over him anyday! lol! ). Unfortunatly this weekend is my busy-to-the-max weekend coz my parents have dinners planned so I didnt get to meet him. I remembered we used to go drinking with a few mates back in Miri (no clubs in Brunei. lol!) and got into a scary haunted experience. {Maybe one day I’ll blog about it}

Fourth is my ex, who suddenly rang me up a few days ago asking if i was interested to be involved in a project he got - something in the education dept - that he needed help with. That has never happened before…i mean him asking for help. After I dumped him gently ages ago, he looked me up everything he was in KL (he’s from Kuantan) and would bring me out for dinner and such (which he seldom did before which was probably why he deserved to be dumped) but after i told him i got attached, he was broken hearted much like guy A and never contacted me again. Until now that is.

Fourth guy C, someone who…{i kind of have the feeling that u might be reading this so cant say much}…well, was in my life at one point but dissapeared. Suddenly he decided to re-appear. I dont have anything against it though

These are the major cases la…there are a few others…random friends who have started calling or smsing me again (thank goodness I keep both my old numbers and never change them) out of the blue juz to “tanya khabar” and stuff.Coincidence? mayb…but then again, mayb not.

Then I told a friend (very briefly and in general terms) about how people from my past were popping up again in my life. He said, “maybe God is testing u? Or mayb its karma?”

Personally I think (and i hope im right), that its a way of teaching me that my actions in the past does have consequences in my present and future life. Yeah like now. And of course I had to learn it the hard complicated and menyusahkan way. Might end up as a good thing tho….I think for now, I’ll let God or karma or nature take its course.

Paint a portrait of life to be proud of,
That could not be sold for all the money on earth;
Hang that potrait in your mind,
And understand it’s sever presence;
Reflect on every brush stroke that makes all the mountains,
And valleys and rivers and skies,
The most beautiful in the land.
Share your potrait with others,
But beware their brushes;
Select only those whose brush,
Will add to the beauty and structure,
Of your masterpiece.
~ Chris Ensor

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Other less-deep and probably not that interesting notes :

- My credit is super low, dont bother to sms, u mite not get a reply. Juz call lah
- seriously overbudgeted this mth. *note to self* rmbr to keep track of expenses next month
- Im the worst procrastinator on earth!! even when it comes to things like my own driving license
- Im juz eating and sleeping my holidays away - need to do something about it. The first step is always the hardest for me..dammit!
- I want internet at home *cries* waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! stupid telekom :/
- What interesting computer games to play ahh now?
- To work, or not to work?
- *another note to self* get mailing addresses for xmas cards from certain ppl. and mail them out early…or else they’ll reach after new years like last year

P/s : to all of the below
- incik amat putih : pinjam PC game pls
- incik amat hitam : so do u find this post depressing? or juz plain confusing? or just too long? lol
- cik penjaga kandang buaya : can u get back to me about the transcrips asap?
- miss “overworked” : wei…next weekend la we go out…this weekend super the busy babe
- grace: mok kmk mail card xmas ktk to kch, myy or lws?
- alex: merik ur kch add…u’ll be thr for xmas nak? look me up
- mag & beb : need ur addresses..my pc (and address book) got refomatted