I had this really weird dream last nite. Come to think of it, it was rather amusing.

First I dreamt that Erin gave me a whole bunch of little tortoise. Then i was wondering where to keep it - there was about 20 of those little fellows, all smaller than my palm - and they were crawling all over the place.

*then she faded out of the picture*

then i was in a car, sitting at the back of the driver’s seat. En Amat was driving and there was no one sitting in the front. Ong (a cute, sweet guy friend from KK) was sitting next to me. We were all juz talking. Then Karen (my ex-best friend’s ex-gf who absolutely hated me coz she tot i was going to snatch him away) came in and sat in front. Then Rachel (my ex-sch mate who turned out to be bossy & likes to exploit ppl) came in and sat at the back. Then we went to this place like The Curve and went to look for sekinchan in Starbucks. Saw him with some of his friends - his friends look like dah beranak 2-3 but he was still single mingle and alone.

*then i woke up, feeling puzzled at why I suddenly dreamt of them*
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Oh yes, happy puasa-ing to all my muslim friends I love to go to pasar to makan kuih..best

Oh, and a classmate invited me to follow her to balik kampung at her hometown in Negeri sembilan on Raya’s eve but the problem is i got to get a baju kurung.

Mana nak beli baju kurung ek???

Am i falling for him just because I am overwhelmed by his affection? Or Im i just in it for the benefit of having someone to love me in that way - something i’ve never experienced? Or am I reluctance because Im worried that he isnt sincere? I admit I have a fondness and liking, but is that enough?

How the fuck do you kno if you’ve fallen in love? Is it when I miss him? Is it when my day is that much brighter after an sms or call? Is it when im feel so comfortable with him that even the silence is not akward? Is it when I feel happy and people around me notice?

But why can’t the words “I love you” flows naturally from my lips? Is it because I have this feeling that this r/ship will have no future (due to the age gap)? Or should I just live in the moment, and enjoy it for as long as we are together?

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im someone who will always have doubts. Someone who looks back at the restaurant table after paying the bill. Someone who would check at least twice if i zipped up my jeans before going out of the toilet. Someone who would check twice if I did enter the right toilet in the first place.

Cautious? Perhaps. Someone once told me that doubts = insecurities. Maybe he’s right. Maybe he’s not. I think that certain - not all - doubts do stem from insecurities.

Dear friend,

Remember when we promised to be honest? To just tell each other when we disliked something about the other? Well, i hope that you remember that promise. I contemplated to just ignore the issue, but i felt that I would just be bottling up my feelings and it would be destructive. I decided to confront you face to face - not now, but soon.

I disliked it when you apparently tried to embaress me in front of friends. Probably you didnt realize it, but i felt like you were trying to embaress me by bringing telling or showing certain things.
I decided not to confront you there and then because it would have been rude. I decided not to confront you the next day because I knew you were stressed out and busy.

- Your best friend.

Dear friend,

Im glad that you remembered our promise made when we were barely teenagers. Im glad that you were understanding and that you saw the issue very clearly from my point of view. I accept your apology.

I hope that if anything i did or will ever do offends you, you would be upfront about it. Im glad that nothing will every come in between our friendship

- Forever friends.

23 Sept
It started on Friday - I had morning class but had to skip it for this choir practise. Then that afternoon I took a bus from Uni to serdang ktm station (it was RM3.15 - im not sure why it was 15 cents instead of a round number), then Serdang to KL Central, then KL Central to Bukit Bintang. All in all, it took me 1 hour and 45 minutes to get from my uni to BB and cost 7 ringgit - yeah i actually counted the time coz i was bored. Hehe!

Went dating in Bkt Bintang. Its amazing how many things will catch your eye when you got no money in ur pocket - I only had RM20 in cash to last me till monday (26/9). After that met up with Erin at KL Central, and we took the lrt & taxi home for a quick shower before taking the car and rushing off to a friend’s (Nicky) 18th birthday party in BU.

Reached Nick’s place quite late. His other (younger & non-drinking) friends just left when we came. Only my uni mates - erin, nick, 2 more girls, 1 more guy - and nick’s best friend was left. Nick took out this game where there’s like 6 shot glasses around an arrow which spins. So on each glass there is a dare (to take off something) or to drink the shot. They filled it with vodka (yes pure Absolute Vodka) and that’s when the party started.

We had a great time but no one ended up naked coz everyone prefered to take the shot and for the non-drinkers, we gave them an yukky cocktail of coke, orange juice and a few other things. Most ended up puking (gross!!) after the game was over. I lost track of how many shots i downed, but i was taking coke between shots so I didnt really end up drunk. Then we started just talking, then the other gals went to sleep, nick’s friend went to sleep and left nick, myself and farhan talking till almost 5 am (i think) when farhan & i dozed off while the 3 girls just woke up. Was so tired that I actually snored loudly but got up at 6am, then went back home.

Felt a bit pissed off at my dad coz he suddenly marah-ed me for no reason by sms-ing me something in the morning just before i came back after we came back Erin and i stayed up talking till 8 sumthing am before sleep finally overtook us.

24th Sept
Woke up around 3pm, then went out with Farhan, nick & erin. At first we just lepaked at OU, walking around and talking. Thought of watching a movie but there was alot of ppl so we decided to go for dinner. The guys paid for my dinner coz of my birthday and the 3 of them actually sang Happy Bday really loud in Chillis OU

After that we went back to Nick’s place to help him clean up the house. Because he didnt have time to do it the day before and he was alone in the house. So we cleared all the empty pizza boxes, threw all the beer cans, looked for all the bottle caps on the floor, washed all the glasses, mopped the floor then swept it again coz it was still dusty and cleared all the mattresses and pillows.

Then geng Mosin called and I went to meet them there, Pam came soon after and Erin came as well. Got sms-es from isla, lola, heidi & my sis. Rang lola up and managed to chit chat a bit. I miss them alot

Anyway, we sat there laughing and talking till 6 am. Went back and went to sleep. Got up around 1 pm and read sms-es from a few friends, my youngest sis and my dad - who also apologized for what he said. There was a bouquet of red & pink roses on the dining table for me from my parents (and some money) which was really nice because they know I have never gotten flowers from anyone before.

I basically stayed at home the whole day, reading and finishing up my assignment due on Monday. But I went out for late dinner with just my family to celebrate my bday. We went to Mache (sp?) - pronounced mar-shay - at The Curve coz a few friends told me it was nice. The food is quite nice - especially the mushroom soup & mashed potatoes - but the desserts was kinda lousy. And its quite pricy.

Overall, I had a super great time this weekend will post some pics once i get them from my fren’s digicam

A few friends and I were commenting over teh o ais and nasi lemak about people putting on different masks around different people. It was agreed that everyone shows a different side of themselves, its just human nature.

For me, I usually have a line – actually, many lines – between different groups of friends, family and love. Different strokes for different folks (as they say)

First is the “KK group” who consists of people who watch me grow up in my secondary school days, when I was innocent and naïve and a true goody two shoes. Never go clubbing, never dating, teacher’s pet, president of this club, vice president of that club, the usual lah. I must admit that my teenage life (until 17 yrs old) was really really straight cut but I had my share of good-clean fun I consider these people great friends who are part of my past – we keep in touch, but its different from physically hanging out often.

Next would be the Miri/Curtin group, who watched – and helped and encouraged – me dabble into things of the world : drinking, staying up late, clubbing, playing pool ect ect. Those were the 2 best years of my life – lots of memories and laughter and fun was poured into our friendships then. Lost touch with a lot of them already, unfortunately

Then I have my Blogger friends who are nice and kind of good (Of course I have no idea what they do behind my back) but these are the people that I would never dream of inviting to clubs or drinking. Hehe!

Then there’s the chat people, lkw students and other people who I honestly don’t know much about. These are the hi-bye acquaintances. As in, I kno them, but we don’t really hang out often.

Then of coutse there’s the close friends in KL – most from east msia, others from around here (like the Mosin club members. LOL!). These are the friends that I regularly hang out with, people that are just a phone call away to a all-nighter of laughter and drinks (alcoholic or otherwise).

I don’t like mixing any of my groups of friends (I tried it before in 2002 with rather disastrous results). For example, my KK friends would probably faint meeting my KL friends. And I cant really imagine my Blogger pals in Planet Hollywood on a Saturday night. Come to think of it, its rather amusing how different and diversified my groups of friends are. Handling many types of people isn’t an easy task, but it opens up my eyes to the diff ways ppl react to certain things.

I admit that Im probably slightly different with each of them. The real me is the same, but there are certain elements that are adapted to suit the situation and crowd. Then again, it happens with everyone else. We are all unique in our own way and that makes life so colourful (in a good and bad way). You’d never know what your friends are doing when they aren’t around you. For all you know, I could be someone who can give fantastic blow jobs or I might be someone who’s bisexual or I could be someone who is a published writer in the US or someone who has played football or someone who has attempted suicide multiple times or someone who enjoys phone sex. We never know what is happening behind closed doors – particularly after the lights go out. Hehehe….

P/s: some of the statements in italics are true and others a false. You decide ]