About my earlier entry….i talked to another fren (who is not involved) about it and she said “wouldnt doing that make things worse? Wont they be surprise coz you’re suddenly not urself anymore?”

She has a point there. However, I cant please everyone can I? I am what I am. If I’m irritating, well, that’s how I am. No matter how hard you try..there is no way that you can change me to be totally what you want me to be. So since I know that my “friends” find me irritating and talkative,then I’ll try to avoid them coz if i pretend to be quiet and all that in front of them…then that makes me nothing more than a hypocrite. So my best mode of action is trying to minimize contact with them so that they wont find me so irritating anymore.

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Lately, I’ve been feeling very tired…..and not enthusiastic. Probably its coz of all the problems I’m having. If i had no classes, I could sleep the whole day away. Which is what I’ve been doing for 2 days….and I’ve missed 3 classes. I’ve never been like that before. My appetite is drastically lowered from 3 meals a day to only one. I’ve been getting an on and off flu. Not to mention I’ve been feeling a lil feverish. Im worried about what’s wrong with me…..physically and mentally…..

:S

Hmm…so now i know why they’ve been ignoring me. Well…they think im irritating, noisy, big-mouthed and so on and so forth. Honestly, i would prefer they tell me much earlier…before deciding to hurt me first. But anyway, it good that it’s finally out in the open. At least i know what to do now…..i guess I’ll juz keep quiet all the time….since they think im such an irritating know-it-all, then fine….i wont be then.

Im SO disapointed at myself. I used to be someone who wouldnt care what people think. If they think im weird, irritating, stupid or whatever, i really wouldnt care. But now…..things change…..telling it straight to my face has cause me to think. Yes, i did suspect that they find me irritating sometimes…but not till that extent. Well, i guess I’ll juz give them the person they want. Actually…it’s more like I’m goinna try to avoid them as much as I can…juz to keep the peace. Friends are such an important priority for me…..

The me i used to know is slipping away…..its so pathetic……I have to start wearing a mask again….but then i’m not the only one…..everyone wears masks. Why shouldnt I?

No one knows the real me anymore…….I’m not even sure if I do

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It rained today…what a relief. I love the rain….i love watching it and listening to it. For me…it seems like it washes my pain away….like symbolism of the tears that can never fall down my face. The rain makes me feel so melancholic…….i wish it rained more…especially at night…..especially when I’m feeling alone….

I stood outside my hostel corridor juz watching the rain fall down….beautiful experience, standing there for bout 10 mins. Doing absolutely nothing……Can’t wait to do that again soon….. [Bad thing was that this rain was on and off...so couldnt really enjoy it to the fullest]

Finally mentioned to my “fren” about how come she left me behind….she said i told her dat i was going to study. Checked my chat logs and discovered that i juz said i was going to study some time later……and i did ask her if she was going out….but she said she was going to study too…..

Study MY FOOT!! she went to the beach with the rest of my gang……..and had the cheek to say i said i wanted to “Study”. Wud d hell?!?!She knew i wasnt in a gud mood. She knew it needed time out….and yet…..

i really got nothing to say now…I’ve been hurt once before…and it wont happen again….I’m scared…..scared to make friends….scared of getting hurt again. Small things like this shouldnt effect me, I know…but I’ve been moody a few days now. Stressed with school work. I actually have a Physics test tomorrow and am currently studying for it. Its easy shit…but nothing can really enter my mind now

I feel like screaming…..crying…anything to remove wat i’m feeling. Words CANNOT describe wat i feel. Even I am confused by what I’m feeling. Im tired…..tired of thinking….tired of trying to understand other people…..tired of making excuses for others…..tired of listening to people trying to “pacify” me. For goodness sake!! Can’t i even spend some time being moody and depressed??? Instead, everyone expects me to lighten up…….of course I would lighten up….but i also need time to be sad….for after the rain comes the sunshine.

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ONE good thing did happen today tho…..i was opening my Friendster.com when i found a testimonial dat a fren wrote for me. He’s my fren back in KK….I wont be seeing him for a long time…but the way he wrote made me think of happy memories i had back in KK…where i spent 7 years of my life. I actually cried when i read it…coz it came at the very time dat i was wondering why i cant choose good frens…..Thank you God for sending dat at the very time i needed it………..I guess my guy fren would never realize the impact his small and seemingly insignificant testimonial did for me….but I would always know…..

Looking back on my previous entry….it sounds pretty depressing. hehe! But things are slightly looking up….well….not exactly, but I’m trying to change my own outlook on things. Hehehe….life isn’t so boring if only you can find interesting things to do.

Hmm…my fren’s bf is in KK to visit for a week…..good excuse to go out…but then always having to end up trailing them from behind…sheesh…! Like today….spent bout an hour sitting down in Burger King while she was giving him a tour of the whole shopping mall. Thank goodness I wasnt alone! There were 2 guys from our uni as well who followed us so we ended up eating and talking there while waiting.

Yay! watching Lord of the Rings : Return of the King tomorrow afternoon wif the same bunch of frens mentioned above. Hope it’ll be good! I want to know the ending…hehehe…

~ Wrote this yesterday when I was in a sad mood….hmm  ~

I see in my mind’s eye

An empty field, void of anything,

I see myself in the middle of this field

Looking right and left

Seeing green ground meeting blue horizon

Everywhere I look.

 

Why? Why am I alone?

My heart cries out in pain

Why? Why this frustration?

I close my eyes and scream

Why? Why am I feeling this?

I get to my feet and run.

 

Running….endless running

Away from what, I don’t know

Towards where, I have no idea

Does it matter when my life

Seems like a meaningless cycle?

 

There has to be a way out of this

My heart whispers hopefully

I have yet to find the door

The door that will bring me happiness

 

Happiness seems like a dream

So far away, out of my reach

I feel tears welling up in my eyes

I bring my hand up to wipe it away

But it has dried up…

 

Dry tears that never fall from my eyes

Funny how tears seems to be my best friend

Tears that no one but I see

Tears no one even realizes could be there

 

Tears that no one can stop…

No one can help….

~ A lil something I wrote a couple of years ago….~

One Love
One loving word can overcome dispute
Once loving touch can break down walls
One loveing hug can knit hearts
And a loving act saved the world

A loving friend is a gift
A loving family is treasure
A loving spouse is gold
And a child’s love is precious

One loving song can calm a tempest
One loving handclasp lifts a soul
One loving smile brightens the day
The warmth of love can thaw the cold

Love is like an ebbing river
Love can never end
Love is everlasting, forever
And love, not time, heals wounds.