Can’t seem to sleep early these days. Only get sleepy around 4-5 am. Weird isnt it? Mayb i’m tired. Mayb im juz stressed.

Im dissapointed and hurt. Imagine one of your closest friends not inviting you to her housewarming party, coz her sis (and her hsemate) was the “fren” dat i mentioned in entries last month. The one that sometimes acts so friendly, then ditches me d next day. The one dat acts like a b***** and I’m not joking. Not to mention dat all of that ‘gang’ i hang out with were invited including a few new friends they made. And i also heard that they had a blast. And also got really wasted then went out clubbing.

Well, dun really care….nothing i can really do bout it i guess

About my earlier entry….i talked to another fren (who is not involved) about it and she said “wouldnt doing that make things worse? Wont they be surprise coz you’re suddenly not urself anymore?”

She has a point there. However, I cant please everyone can I? I am what I am. If I’m irritating, well, that’s how I am. No matter how hard you try..there is no way that you can change me to be totally what you want me to be. So since I know that my “friends” find me irritating and talkative,then I’ll try to avoid them coz if i pretend to be quiet and all that in front of them…then that makes me nothing more than a hypocrite. So my best mode of action is trying to minimize contact with them so that they wont find me so irritating anymore.

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Lately, I’ve been feeling very tired…..and not enthusiastic. Probably its coz of all the problems I’m having. If i had no classes, I could sleep the whole day away. Which is what I’ve been doing for 2 days….and I’ve missed 3 classes. I’ve never been like that before. My appetite is drastically lowered from 3 meals a day to only one. I’ve been getting an on and off flu. Not to mention I’ve been feeling a lil feverish. Im worried about what’s wrong with me…..physically and mentally…..

:S

Hmm…so now i know why they’ve been ignoring me. Well…they think im irritating, noisy, big-mouthed and so on and so forth. Honestly, i would prefer they tell me much earlier…before deciding to hurt me first. But anyway, it good that it’s finally out in the open. At least i know what to do now…..i guess I’ll juz keep quiet all the time….since they think im such an irritating know-it-all, then fine….i wont be then.

Im SO disapointed at myself. I used to be someone who wouldnt care what people think. If they think im weird, irritating, stupid or whatever, i really wouldnt care. But now…..things change…..telling it straight to my face has cause me to think. Yes, i did suspect that they find me irritating sometimes…but not till that extent. Well, i guess I’ll juz give them the person they want. Actually…it’s more like I’m goinna try to avoid them as much as I can…juz to keep the peace. Friends are such an important priority for me…..

The me i used to know is slipping away…..its so pathetic……I have to start wearing a mask again….but then i’m not the only one…..everyone wears masks. Why shouldnt I?

No one knows the real me anymore…….I’m not even sure if I do

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It rained today…what a relief. I love the rain….i love watching it and listening to it. For me…it seems like it washes my pain away….like symbolism of the tears that can never fall down my face. The rain makes me feel so melancholic…….i wish it rained more…especially at night…..especially when I’m feeling alone….

I stood outside my hostel corridor juz watching the rain fall down….beautiful experience, standing there for bout 10 mins. Doing absolutely nothing……Can’t wait to do that again soon….. [Bad thing was that this rain was on and off...so couldnt really enjoy it to the fullest]

Hmm……seems like ignoring them seems to hv made them realize something is up (at last!!)…….they asked another fren of mine about it…..their excuse : “we didnt see her…but when we realized, she looked so angry we didnt dare say hi”………whatever…

Wanted to go out clubbing tonite…but i’ve asked around…but everyone is so busy or tired….it’s juz not my luck to be going out tonite….damn! juz when i wanted to go dancin to relieve stress…..

Hm…so they are starting to ignore me now huh? Almost everyone in the gang who went together-gether are starting to think i dont exist. They can sit right next to me and make as if I’m not there. Well, two can play at dat game. I’m not going to say anything until they make the first move. A frenship has no point if only one party has to make an effort to make it work…..i feel as if Im the one who always sez hello first…..

got into this bad habit of going clubbing too often….i love to go dancing…but i also drink when i go there. Not too much tho…juz a lil……Now i feel like going out Wed nite (ladies nite) for a drink and dance to forget my sorrows :S the thing is….the same group dat ditched me is the same group i always go out clubbing with. Gotta find another way to go…..my other gal pal is enthusiastic to go as well…she’s goinna find a way.

Got a physics test…..i think its kinda easy…but im so not in the mood to study….im so dead now….

It’s 2.30 am and this is my 3rd entry in less than 24 hrs……I’m going to sleep now…test or no test…prepared or not…..friends or no frens…..

Finally mentioned to my “fren” about how come she left me behind….she said i told her dat i was going to study. Checked my chat logs and discovered that i juz said i was going to study some time later……and i did ask her if she was going out….but she said she was going to study too…..

Study MY FOOT!! she went to the beach with the rest of my gang……..and had the cheek to say i said i wanted to “Study”. Wud d hell?!?!She knew i wasnt in a gud mood. She knew it needed time out….and yet…..

i really got nothing to say now…I’ve been hurt once before…and it wont happen again….I’m scared…..scared to make friends….scared of getting hurt again. Small things like this shouldnt effect me, I know…but I’ve been moody a few days now. Stressed with school work. I actually have a Physics test tomorrow and am currently studying for it. Its easy shit…but nothing can really enter my mind now

I feel like screaming…..crying…anything to remove wat i’m feeling. Words CANNOT describe wat i feel. Even I am confused by what I’m feeling. Im tired…..tired of thinking….tired of trying to understand other people…..tired of making excuses for others…..tired of listening to people trying to “pacify” me. For goodness sake!! Can’t i even spend some time being moody and depressed??? Instead, everyone expects me to lighten up…….of course I would lighten up….but i also need time to be sad….for after the rain comes the sunshine.

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ONE good thing did happen today tho…..i was opening my Friendster.com when i found a testimonial dat a fren wrote for me. He’s my fren back in KK….I wont be seeing him for a long time…but the way he wrote made me think of happy memories i had back in KK…where i spent 7 years of my life. I actually cried when i read it…coz it came at the very time dat i was wondering why i cant choose good frens…..Thank you God for sending dat at the very time i needed it………..I guess my guy fren would never realize the impact his small and seemingly insignificant testimonial did for me….but I would always know…..