I’m laying here in the dark, listening to the light snoring and the quiet rumble of the LRT starting its daily routine. I really love times like these, the wee hours of the morning when night has passed but it isn’t morning, not just yet. Its a time for pondering, reflection and many thoughts.
Its kind of chilly, the air, during these magical moments that are just like twilight – the in between time, that 1-2 hours perched at the edge of day and night or night and day. Bundled up in a comforter that is very soft due to years of use, I wish that every night could be like this. The reassuring feeling of being loved and taken care of envelopes me much like this comforter, keeping my body and heart warm. But I’m still not sure why I’m so hesitant.
Perhaps I know that this time it’s different. There’s something here that i know will pull and suck me in deep. If I stop resisting now but in the future it doesn’t work out, I’ll fall. Fall hard, like I’ve never fallen before. And I don’t know if I can pick myself up after that.
“Its a part of life” my friends say. “Better to have loved and lost then never loved at all.” Yea you may be right but its the lost part that really troubles me. Then my mind rationalizes by saying “Don’t commit, not just yet. If you don’t have it, you cant lose it. No loss = no hurt.” Crazily enough, it works. That’s where I am now. Not single but not really attached. And he seems to be ok up with it – so far.
However deep down i know its wrong, unfair. Mostly for him, but also for me. Maybe I’m just scared.