Saying goodbye is always so very hard isnt it? Saying goodbye to loved ones when they depart this world *knock wood* or the parting of close friends. Nothing quite matches teh feeling of loneliness, sorrow and how much you miss that person.
TOday, or rather, these past few days, I have learned to say goodbye to some things that I hold – i mean, HELD – dear. One was my previous outlook on life. Another was letting go of a friend.
A friend of mine whom i thought i was close to, whom i considered my abang angkat, who taught me more than any guy I’ve known. You know, that best friend that you can never fall in love with but you know each other so well. I just found out that he doesnt care for me as much as I care for him. He practically makes as if he doesnt know me, just because now we are further apart than before – in terms of communication and distance. I feel used somehow. I feel cheated by all the emotion and affection that I pour into this friendship. But all I can do now is just forget and move on. Because there are better things ahead of me, im sure. And useless friends like that are better off on their own.
I used to think that life was so easy, like i will breeze through it without a care in the world. Until last week that is. I think i was going through a depression stage last week while everyone else was happily enjoying their CNY. All i did, was sleep my days away coz i dont have the mood to meet people or go visiting. Havent had a restful sleep either. Keep waking up every 2 hours. I seldom eat, usually maximum once a day. Mom says i look pale. No no, its not that time of the month again. A little scribbling i found in the notebook i often bring around. Sums up what i feel now (yeah this is a repost)
Today I kind of feel overwhelmed by this inexpressible sense of loneliness. Its like, there’s this feeling that I was so utterly alone. After parting with my friends, I relize there is no one to be with me at the end of my day, to hold me while I sleep, to brush the hair out of my face. Sad, surely it is. I seldom feel this way, often preferring to surround myself with friends, family and loads of good fun.
Love? I don’t believe in such an feeling or emotion – at least not yet. And sex (I found out) is but a very poor substitute. Yes its fun, and good (most of the time). But it lasts only for a fraction, a few hours, a whole night. In the end, everyone leaves, everyone goes back, everyone gets busy and more often than not, everyone has someone else.
I am HAPPY with my life, without a doubt, I am better than most. I have great friends, people I can talk to, people to have fun with. The ability to see the best in things have carried me through life with less than the usual share of scratches and hurts. But every once in a very long while, I feel something’s missing.
Sometimes, I cant help but feel that my many *adventures*, dates and all the other crazy stuff I am sometimes prone to do are but a desperate search for that something. Something to fill that gap.
The voice at the back of my head tells me that I should seek God again, perhaps He would be the one to show the way, but that would have to be to leave the life that I now have, which I enjoy – doubt and guilt-free. We can’t all be angels can we? Religion and politics – the 2 tings that I do not talk about.
Maybe I am restless, what with the extreamly long holiday and desperate lack of sleep. Sometimes I wish I can just go for a quiet long drive through town in the middle of the night – without a care in the world. It soothes and relaxes me as it has always does since I was a little girl wanting to go for long car rides.
I think that its somewhat normal to feel this way once in a while. For it shows that I am human, I have a heart, that my life is not all fun and games, that I think for myself and ponder the meaning of my existance.
For I am but still a young girl….
~ 8.15 pm, 4th Feb 2006
~ Putra lrt KLCC – KJ