Soul Searching

Someone told… me that I look so troubled when I sleep, as if the weight of the world is on my shoulders. My cheeks droop and I don’t look happy. Which is contrary to how I am when I’m awake – bubbly, cheerful, funny, happy.

And I think… its because when I’m awake I don’t really worry about a lot of problems, I take life as it comes. But when I sleep, I dream weird dreams and never have restful sleep. My mind is constantly working, going around in circles, pondering things in my subconscious. Perhaps that why I look so tense.

Someone showed… me her application to RMIT today. There was this one question that made me really think. “List down 3 major achievements in your life so far and why is it a big thing in your life.” And I realized that I had no answer for that question.

And I think… that my life so far has been rather uneventful and meaningless (to put it very bluntly). Achievements? I have none. At least no experience that I would count as an achievement. Family? Studies? Skills? Nope, none of the above. Just an average life.

Someone said… something to me that really opened my eyes today. Words of complete stranger. Something I’ve heard many times before. She said I’ve lost focus and concentration. That I have to work hard to obtain whatever it is that I want. That I will find the next 2-4 years a difficult one. I know she means well by giving this warning.

And I think… she’s absolutely right. I’ve been drifting. I’m confused, at a crossroads. Im lazy, unmotivated and very very stubborn. I take advice from no one, not even my loved ones. I do as I please, whenever I please.

I think I need to look back at my life and ask myself what I really want to achieve in life. My goals and my aims. I feel restless living like this, with no direction and ‘hala tuju’. I don’t want to be just another ordinary person living their ordinary lives. I want to make an impact, if not on the world, then at least in the people that surround me.

Friends, thank you so much for opening my eyes :* As for now, I need time for myself, to go soul searching. To be alone.