Birds and Bees,  Personal

It will be over…

Like I mentioned in a previous post, i was considering breaking up, but before that, I decided to meet up with *him* face-to-face to have a long chat. So I SMSd him one afternoon asking when was he free next.

Dear, when r u free? Nak jumpa.
Im free today, want to meet up?
Im busy la today, was out the whole day. Tired. Lain kali la
Tak apalah, tu salah saya. Lain kali I kena booking u awal-awal.

Somehow I felt like he was mocking me about the ‘booking’ part. As if my time was so full that he had to make appointments with me days beforehand. However, I didnt think much of it until i got an SMS at 2 am the next morning:

Sleeping? I cant sleep. What are u doing now?
Just lying down, reading. You off tomorrow? I told u to tell me if ur free kan?
Honey, im only having off next week. Masa ni i boring la nak jumpa. U sometimes dont have time. Why? Maybe you prefer your friends over your bf.
I had a whole week holiday, felt like calling you but I was worried you wont hv time. U kan selalu sibuk

Why tak call? Im busy because i got things to do. Sometimes u tak reply my sms/call. You’re getting bored meeting me?
Bukan boring, u yg takde masa. If everyday meet that’s boring. If possible, i want to meet u once a month. janji?
Why only once a month? Dont u miss me? I always call u, but u never pick up. U say im busy with frens, but ur busy with work. Kalo susah mcm nie, kita jadi kawan saja lah.
Honey, you dont kno how much I miss you tapi masa & waktu tak tepat bagi kita. I tak anggap u sbg kawan, You are my baby
If its so difficult, then lets just call it off la.
Its up to you. For me, tepuk sebelah tangan tak guna. & apa kita lakukan itu satu azimat bagiku. But can we meet 1 last time?
Okay, let me think about this decision. See u next week. Gnite.

“I boring la nak jumpa”, “You kan selalu sibuk?”, “U yg takde masa”. I felt hurt. After all those times I accommodated to *his* time, going down all the way to meet him, giving and taking my fair share. Its like he’s jealous of me spending too much time with my other friends (who are mostly guys =P) but at least I’ve introduced them to him. And he said they were nice. But that was a few months ago.

One half of my friends say that he’s too good a guy to give up, another half says that I am happy to be without him, one guy keeps (jokingly) rubbing it in by calling me a heart-breaker who uses guys – ‘habis madu, sepah dibuang’. You know, stuff like that.

On one hand, I’m somewhat relieved at the prospect of being single again, able to ogle after guys without a nagging conscience, able to flirt around and lepak with any guyfren I choose to without having to worry that the bf would get jealous. I have never been someone who was good in commitments. On the other hand, he’s a nice guy and I feel unease in having to break his heart. I kno he is sincere with me and has been the best guy I’ve met : caring, sweet, friendly, loving, generous, gentlemanly, refuses to let me pay or do anything, really took care of me. Previous guys were either : too old (feels weird), too young & immature (makes me feel too old), married with kids (I only found out after), sex maniacs (oh god!!), stayed too far (i dont dig LDR*), had a squeaky voice (it was a turn off), was a sloppy kisser (ew ew ew!), very stingy & rude (major turn off), and the list goes on and on.

So why am I giving up something good? Because, for me, the moment you’re not sure how to answer the question “so are you happy with him?” then it’s time to let him go. Because the moment you stop missing him, something is wrong. AND MAINLY, because I believe that he deserves someone better. Someone who would love him back with the intensity that he deserves. Someone that would put him as a top priority in their life. Someone who doesn’t have that ala-kadar, couldnt-care-less attitude on love. Someone who isnt Me.

The past few months have been short, but memorable. And the next time, I would be treading with extreme caution as not to cause another person so much hurt. Or cause myself hurt. Yes I am hurt by having to let him go. Im not as cold hearted as a certain-“bastard”. I did like him a lot (him as in the bf, not the “bastard”). So it does affect me too.

A dear friend once told me a piece of advice. I dont quite remember it’s exact words, but it went something like this, “Never look back at your previous relationships as a regret, but rather, remember the good sex times you had as fond memories and learn from the bad.”

p/s: Okay, so I added in the sex part just for fun :P

*LDR – Long distance Relationships
Current mood: Confused yet understanding, relieved yet unhappy

Now Listening to: Blurry (Acoustic) – Puddle of Mudd


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