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My laughter masks my pain

So many things has happened lately. IF you’ve been reading the past few posts, I’m feeling really down coz of dissapointments. I’ve been set up numerous of times by people so said we’d meet but never end up calling – guys mostly. What do u expect? *sigh*

I cried the other day while having a fight with my mom. It was a small thing at first, then all the hurt & injustice i felt bout being uprooted & moved started to pour out. People ask, how do I find my new life? I just give a typical answer “ok” but in reality, my whole being struggles. Trying hard to accept the new life here. Im adapatable but at the moment, my world is falling apart. I have not adjusted to life here. I dont have a single friend. The people I go out with are either people I know from KK or Miri who are studying/staying here. Ironically, i kno more friends online than offline.

And I dont have a choice on where I am…

…lonely…

Even writing this brings tears to my eyes. I’ve been struggling to post this for days now, instead, i deviate on other meaningless posts. When in reality, im hurt, cut, suffering inside. Feeling lonely. But no one understands.

How can u talk about being lonely to (a) someone who is in a relationship? (b) someone how “loves the other half” so much that they are engaged/thinking of getting engaged? (c) someone who is only interested in talking bout the gal he likes? (d) someone who is also single but gets more depressed about it because of low self esteem? (e) someone whom you hardly know? (f) someone who is snuggled in the security of friends and family?

Its times like these that I wish i had someone dear, someone to hold, someone’s shoulder to cry one, someone to say “things will work out, I am here”. I was reading Merv’s blog and realized that some of the things that he wrote were exactly what I felt. Lonely……Im feel that Im beginning to sound desperate, but Im not. Being single is something i have always enjoyed. But to have love dangling close and then dissapear is tough. In a year, this has happened twice. Coupled with moving, & bad grades, im actually surprised that I lasted this long.

…meaningless…

At hte moment, my life is meaningless, no purpose, no direction. Not because of the loneliness alone, but also other factors. Waking up in the morning is a chore. Sometimes I wish that I could just sleep my days away – so that I wouldnt have to face the world. There is no point isnt there.

Im not suicidal…….i’ve been through that stage of trying to cut my wrists many years ago, and I wouldnt want to walk down that road again….

Sometimes I wish my life is only a dream, that i’d sleep and wake up finding that things were as it was when I was happier – a few years back. When I actually enjoyed living. When life then had a purpose, had meaning, had direction, had a reason to get up in the morning.

But i kno more than anyone else that the hands of time cannot change. What is gone is gone. Now nothing is left but memories and an empty shell.

thanks for all your concern friends. There are however times that I dont want to talk about and and will say so. But i appreciate your concerns all the same.

~~*~~
Current mood: Very depressed, isnt it f**king obvious?!?!
Now Listening to: “Counting Stars” by Switchfoot – counting stars wishing I was okay….

One Comment

  • William Luu

    Don’t be too disappointed.

    Opportunities are abound, if they don’t work out at first, there’s always another opportunity waiting in the wings. It’s just a matter of picking and choosing the write opportunity.

    Though there are so many opportunities, many you’ll have to pass on. Sometimes you don’t realise you have to pass on it.

    But you know, when the right one comes around, you’ll be one happy camper! :)

    At times I feel lonely too. It can be quite depressing, but sometimes you just gotta take a step back, and try to think things through logically.

    The only time that I don’t have any hint of a thought about being lonely and single is when i’m with friends. So, I guess the best thing for you to do is to find some more friends.

    If you’re not happy with the current friends, then diversify, find more friends!

    I remember it was only a few years ago, I came so close to being in a relationship with a girl. Didn’t happen. And being from the same group of friends, it was kinda hard. She decided she’d do her best to ignore me for the rest of the year.

    At that moment, I just felt so lonely. So, irritated. I felt my only real friends were those I befriended via their blogs and various message boards.

    I definately felt I had many many more friends online than I did offline. Although still friends with those online, we have all grown apart a bit due to everyones’ different offline commitments. And during that later part of time, friendships were mended, and I felt a lot better.

    So just wanted to say to you that no matter what the situation is, look to the future, trust me, the future is brighter. Just stick it out. Things will get better.

    Maybe it’s time to take another approach on your start to a new day? Every new day brings another opportunity to meet new friends, if you take the initiative.

    What is around the corner? Nobody knows for certain, but it could be that bright light that leads to a more happier time.

    No motivation? Think about the possibilities the new day can bring out, if you take the opportunity to explore :)

    – Will [From rbj]

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