My laughter masks my pain

So many things has happened lately. IF you’ve been reading the past few posts, I’m feeling really down coz of dissapointments. I’ve been set up numerous of times by people so said we’d meet but never end up calling – guys mostly. What do u expect? *sigh*

I cried the other day while having a fight with my mom. It was a small thing at first, then all the hurt & injustice i felt bout being uprooted & moved started to pour out. People ask, how do I find my new life? I just give a typical answer “ok” but in reality, my whole being struggles. Trying hard to accept the new life here. Im adapatable but at the moment, my world is falling apart. I have not adjusted to life here. I dont have a single friend. The people I go out with are either people I know from KK or Miri who are studying/staying here. Ironically, i kno more friends online than offline.

And I dont have a choice on where I am…

Even writing this brings tears to my eyes. I’ve been struggling to post this for days now, instead, i deviate on other meaningless posts. When in reality, im hurt, cut, suffering inside. Feeling lonely. But no one understands.

How can u talk about being lonely to (a) someone who is in a relationship? (b) someone how “loves the other half” so much that they are engaged/thinking of getting engaged? (c) someone who is only interested in talking bout the gal he likes? (d) someone who is also single but gets more depressed about it because of low self esteem? (e) someone whom you hardly know? (f) someone who is snuggled in the security of friends and family?

Its times like these that I wish i had someone dear, someone to hold, someone’s shoulder to cry one, someone to say “things will work out, I am here”. I was reading Merv’s blog and realized that some of the things that he wrote were exactly what I felt. Lonely……Im feel that Im beginning to sound desperate, but Im not. Being single is something i have always enjoyed. But to have love dangling close and then dissapear is tough. In a year, this has happened twice. Coupled with moving, & bad grades, im actually surprised that I lasted this long.

At hte moment, my life is meaningless, no purpose, no direction. Not because of the loneliness alone, but also other factors. Waking up in the morning is a chore. Sometimes I wish that I could just sleep my days away – so that I wouldnt have to face the world. There is no point isnt there.

Im not suicidal…….i’ve been through that stage of trying to cut my wrists many years ago, and I wouldnt want to walk down that road again….

Sometimes I wish my life is only a dream, that i’d sleep and wake up finding that things were as it was when I was happier – a few years back. When I actually enjoyed living. When life then had a purpose, had meaning, had direction, had a reason to get up in the morning.

But i kno more than anyone else that the hands of time cannot change. What is gone is gone. Now nothing is left but memories and an empty shell.

~~*~~
Current mood: Very depressed, isnt it f**king obvious?!?!
Now Listening to: “Counting Stars” by Switchfoot – counting stars wishing I was okay….