Musings,  Personal

Random Scribbling

*this is what happens when I sit down quietly and let my fingers roam the keyboard without much thought about what comes out*

Someone said I analyze too much. That I think too far ahead.
Others say I should anticipate so I would know how to react.
Someone said I should go with the flow, take things as they come.
Others say i never use my head, never think before I act/talk.
Someone said I have a tendency of seeing the best in people, that I trust people too easily.
Others say that I believe in no one but myself.
Someone else said I will always come up with worst-case scenarios.
Others believe I am very optimistic.

I am all of the above and more. A contradiction of sorts, never fitting into one mould. Forever changing, never the same. I am sometimes troubled by the little things but am calm and rational facing big things.

Whenever I do something, I’ll always wonder “what if..”, “is this right?”, “should i hv..”, etc. Its not that i have lack of confidence. Its just that sometimes Im unsure. I made mistakes in the past (who hasnt?) stupid, idiotic mistakes that cost me, amongst other things, my trust in ppl, my beliefs, my dignity, and much more. Even now when I have gotten over it, the memory is forever seared in my mind – about how the ppl that I trust most are the ppl that I must be most cautious of. Sounds selfish but “once bitten twice shy”.

My greatest fear used to be rejection. But now i realize that my greatest fear is to be used. To be taken in, cared for, then thrown away like trash. Like something insignificant. With no regards to my feelings. To be cheated and stabbed in the back. I know that my insecurities stem from this fear.

Not long ago I asked someone for an honest opinion of me. One of the things he said was “U somehow pening tengok reactions orang lain .. apsal laa this world is somehow weird ..apsal laa orang cannot be this and that.” But its true, i am puzzled by human behaviour (even my own most of the time). But of course I cant change other ppl.

I can however change how I look at it. I believe that however bad the situation is, even tho you cant make it better, but u can change your outlook on it. Maybe that’s why I always look cheerful, coz i realize that even when you dont feel like smiling, but you force yourself to look on the bright side to be happy and smile, after some time, you actually believe that things will work out right.

It takes someone who really knows me inside and out (which are only a small handful of people) to know whether I have problems without me telling. Three years ago, an old friend commented about me “when bad mood…..sure can tell….just look at the face…if got frown a bit already know something wrong..even she smile when she’s sad, still can tell.”

I want people to remember me as someone who has brighten up their day at least once in the period of me knowing them. I know i have my faults – im lazy, have bad time management, forgetful (to name a few) – but I would like accomplish something meaningful in my life, something that doesnt have to impact the whole world, but to impact individual lives.

To end this babble of my incoherent mind at the wee hours of the morning, I would like to quote Martin Luther King Jr:

If it falls your lot to be a street sweeper,
Sweep streets like Michaelangelo painted pictures,
Like Shakespeare wrote poetry,
Like Beethoven composed music;
Sweep streets so well that the
host of Heaven and Earth will have to pause and say
Here lived a great sweeper,
Who swept his job well

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